I have sat down to write a post a hundred times and not been able to finish it. I feel as though there is so much to say and I have had a hard time focusing on one subject. So where do I begin but at the beginning. This is my life and I hope to find other kindred souls who may experience or feel the same things that I do.
My name’s Bethany, I was born and raised in a small town in the middle of North Dakota…Hold on, this is boring. See! This is my problem. What can I say that’s a little more interesting than this? It’s Christmas today, and here’s how I feel about that:
I’m stuck at my Dad’s house, back in the house that I grew up in. It’s comforting in one way, but lonely in another. I lived here for 18 years before moving to Kansas City where I currently reside. There’s a winter storm moving in. I can see the large pieces of snow falling outside the window as I write. With a possibility of up to 15″ of snow today I don’t think I’ll be going out anytime soon! I suppose the song that sings about the weather outside being frightful is fitting, if only we had a fireplace.
No Christmas tree here, and no presents to unwrap. Humph, Christmas just ain’t what it used to be, especially not this year. This year was supposed to be the best year of my life. I was supposed to move in with my now ex-boyfriend in November, we were supposed to go skiing for my Birthday on Thanksgiving week, and I wanted to invite him here with me for Christmas break. It was all supposed to be great. But it’s not, and it fucking sucks. [I’ve started swearing a lot more in the past couple of months because I just don’t find normal words to be expressive enough for my feelings anymore. So pardon my French, but I no longer give a damn.]
Anyway, so here I sit trying to get him out of my mind to be honest. It’s been three months and I’ve been plagued with memories of him more now than any time before. I’m not really sure why, but I hope it gets better soon. I think I’m detoxing. Every time a memory comes up my mind is asking if I should keep storing it, or count it unworthy of remembering. The worst parts are the bad memories and the very real feelings that come flooding back in. I plan on writing more about the whole thing later so I’ll move on.
Depressing as it sounds, sadness is not what I wish to portray today. It’s a great day. I’m alive, my family is well, I have a roof over my head, a car that runs, some money in the bank, another school semester planned out and funded, a wonderful roommate, a nice apartment that I can afford, and a choice. My choice is the best gift of all this Christmas. It’s remembering that life is full of choices and obstacles and ups and downs. I know my sadness and pain will pass and heal. I know that there are always things to be grateful for, and I know that I’m moving forward in life and that’s what ultimately gives me meaning and joy.
So cheesy, I know, but the most cliche things are typically the most true. So with that, I’m signing off to go to the neighbors and stuff myself so full of proteins, lipids, and amino acids that I won’t know what to do with myself! Ha! Or Ho? Ha Ho Ha!
Merry Chwismas All