It’s been three months since I’ve seen him. One month to the day since we talked. It was November 26, my birthday, when he called me for the first time since our bitter detachment. It was an ugly day.
Today I feel partially numb, partially mad and sad still, but mostly just tired. Tired of the dreams at night that bring back such painful feelings. Tired of wondering what I’m going to do the next time he does talk to me, or if that will ever even happen. Tired of feeling out of control of this situation and like I am being unfair to others around me. Tired of the thoughts of him taking someone else home. Tired of the vivid memories every time I go somewhere we were together, or hear a song we used to sing, or have food we used to love, or…god, he’s just everywhere.
I’m trying to move on. I am dating, but my heart isn’t quite ready to feel those loving feelings again quite yet. I feel ashamed, like it’s unfair of me to even try to be with someone else. Unfair to them, and maybe immature of me.
I feel like I was better off a month ago. Why am I still thinking of him every day? I thought three months would do it. I thought dating would even speed that up. It hasn’t. And the worst part is, I can tell myself all day long that I never want to be with him again, that I deserve better, but if he called me I honestly don’t know what I would do.
I managed to delete the voice mails, and I haven’t even looked at his Facebook. But there’s one recording I can’t seem to bring myself to delete. It’s a song he sang me. It seems like just yesterday. I don’t know how to let it go, I suppose I just need more time.
I fear disappointment again. I fear lies, and let downs. I fear that I won’t be able to forgive and love again. I fear that although I can see the light through these clouds, their moving has become stagnant and my progress in healing isn’t working.
Time, please do your magic.