It overtakes me,
I go back and forth between thinking it’s my fault, that I could change this! And feeling completely hopeless when I feel SO out of control of the way I feel.
Anxiety is something that I have only recently started to accept as part of who I am. I don’t want to accept it, I want to overcome it, I want to suck it up and just change already. I’ve seen psychologists, therapists, read the self-help books, listened to the Tony Robbins of the world, and felt very excited about the possibility of change. But…i cant.
Or can I? See, I still struggle with the thought. It’s not right to me, anxiety is just weakness to me, anxiety is just a pathetic little girl to me, anxiety is anything but me. That is until it overtakes me. It’s familiar tightening around my throat and heaviness on my chest, its familiar wave of paralyzation. My mind blanks, my cheeks get flushed, my heart beats faster, and I grow angry that it’s come to ruin this moment.
I always thought I was just shy. In school I couldn’t ask questions if I had them, and I couldn’t talk to the kids who intimidated me. I didn’t have many friends, but those I did have I certainly wasn’t that person around. I love to talk! I love to express myself, I love to perform, and I love to be the center of attention. Unfortunately there is just something rooted so deeply inside of me that I completely freeze up around people of strong opinion, authority, my own siblings, and boisterous others. It sucks, it sucks so bad 😥 This isn’t me, that’s what I wish they could all understand.
Thank God for good friends. I hope by surrounding myself with people that bring out my genuine self that will become so normal to me that it will reset my deeper strongholds of how I’ve been programmed to respond all my life. This is why I write, this is me.