Ok, if you read my last post at the 3 month mark you know that I was still going through a lot of hard emotions at that time. Now, I still have really hard moments but overall they are less frequent and the clarity I feel about the whole situation has increased.
I can’t speak for you and what your relationship was like, but if it was the really hard kind of breakup, then we can relate.
Some of the things that have become more clear to me over the months are very hard to accept. One of those is that I don’t believe that this man truly loved me. It is so hard to admit that, I so badly wish that wasn’t true. I still find myself wondering if he will get it together, come back, tell me that he’s willing to do anything to keep me in his life, but that’s probably not going to happen. I can’t say yet however that I don’t hope it will.
I’ve gained more independence. I’m consciously trying to gain more confidence. I’ve gotten a new job, a great new roommate, a new apartment, have been accepting to a medical program, and have a new chapter of my life laid out before me. I try not to look back, but man the memories still get to me sometimes. But it gets a little easier all of the time.
I think that I have regained my sense of self. I feel like I was lost for so long, like I’ve been suppressing my true self and I forgot how to be me.
Whenever something or someone is cut dramatically from your life, I have experienced a long period of what I would call ’emotional purging’. This is getting a little deep for me but here goes nothing; so as a young child I, like many others I’m sure, developed a fairly regular habit of masturbating. As I got older I began to feel immense shame around this but I felt as though I couldn’t stop! Eventually, at age 22, I said that I was going to quit. At the time I was a very devoted Christian and this lead to the massive conviction I felt. Anyway, the point is that I was at a higher maturity level or something where I truly did overcome. I stopped! But I vividly remember having very sexual dreams for months afterwards. I had dreams of masturbating and would wake up feeling like they were so real I wondered if I had done something in my sleep! This happened more frequently at first, but still happened after months. I made it 7 months and it was so easy then, but I still had these weird dreams once in a blue moon.
I liken this to what I’ve also experienced with relationships. Sometimes I dream of him, the memories are still strong, and your mind goes through every emotion possible. Old things come up at random times and I believe it is only time that can eventually heal us. That and strengthening ourselves in a true sense of confidence.
Confidence is tricky. It’s so easy to find it in the outer expression of ourselves. Clothing, makeup, boobs, money, etc. all are really helpful in feeling good about ourselves. Unfortunately, they are so unstable. Beauty fades, money can only go so far, and at the end of the day we are left with who we are on the inside. So that’s what I’ve been trying to develop. It’s not easy at all, but the more I work on myself the better I feel. Don’t get me wrong…I still want boobs, but I refuse to get them until I feel like a confident person without them FIRST. Maybe I never will, who knows. They’re getting a little overrated so we’ll see.
It’s better. I’m going to be okay. I know that I gave him my best and it’s not my fault that he didn’t give me his. Maybe someday he can and I’ll know what that looks like, but I won’t settle for less. That’s such a good feeling. I truly want the best for him, and that’s a good feeling. I want love for the both of us…and as hard as it’s been to accept, if that’s not me it’s okay. I just want the best anyway it comes. As fricken lame as that all sounds, it’s true.